Hi Rohan!I think your idea for a storybook about conspiracy theories behind the Great Pyramids of Giza is really cool! I've always found the pyramids so amazing and have always been curious as to how these could have been built with just man power and no modern-day technology in that time period. Your introduction was fun to read! I especially liked the "(or is it??)" at the end of your first paragraph. I think that gets the reader curious as to see if it really will be the truth or if you're just going to write random things throughout your storybook. Well, at least that's what I was thinking. The banner images you have used are very cool, especially the one on your homepage! I like your writing style. You don't write long paragraphs and your vocabulary is also really good. You don't use complicated, "big" words but also don't use simple words here and there as well. I also didn't notice any grammar mistakes or spelling errors so I think your stories are going to be very easy to read overall. I look forward to coming back to your project to read more!
Hi Rohan!I think your idea for the storybook is really interesting! I have always been intrigued by the pyramids, so I can't wait to see what you explore. Regarding the setup of your storybook, it was very easy to navigate. I liked how you had a comment wall button rather than a link. This made the website look more professional, and it is something that I will try to do on my storybook! Your introduction was a fun read, especially the ending. I enjoy how you prepare the reader by asking to forget our past perceptions of the pyramids, so I am even more excited to see how you shape my thoughts on these gigantic monuments. Overall, I do not see any errors in the storybook. It is a very easy read. The only thing I would suggest is linking the image source in a blue text, so that it does not take up so much space in your image caption.
Hey Rohan,Conspiracy theories are a hit or miss for me, depending on the subject that they’re refuting. In cases like flat earthers, I disregard everything that they say. However, you delving into the wonders of the world and how they came to be (when it should have been impossible) is a great way to grab almost everyone’s attention. Asking questions is an important part of society, and when we need to question our past, most people try and push past it. We need to know where we came from and how civilizations got to be. Your introduction showed me (again) just how important it is to look into Giza and the Pyramids. Are there any stories/issues that people have with the Library of Alexandria? Was it as great as it was once told of? Questions upon questions is the way it seems like your short stories will have to go, which I’m extremely excited about.Sincerely,Andrew
Hi Rohan, I really enjoyed your story about how the three great pyramids came to exist. I think it is an interesting and playful take on the these giant monuments. Keeping attuned to Egyptian culture by including the sphinx and having the character's name as Abdul also highlights the setting of the story. If I were to add anything, I would include more details about the gods. I would love to know what the gods Ra or Osiris represent in Egyptian mythology. As a reader with limited knowledge on Egyptian mythology, this would really enhance the story. Also it would be cool to see which of the three pyramids went to the three gods. This would add the ending which seems kind of abrupt. Also exploring greater interactions between the gods and Abdul would be cool to see. I would be very interested in seeing the personalities of the gods!
Hi Rohan,I think your introduction is great and really captures the attention of the reader. It does make you wonder about how the pyramids were built and opens the door for all kinds of possibilities.On your story, the first thing that I noticed is that it's missing a title in the header and also in the navigation link. I liked that there were multiple elements from other stories, including the part where Abdul was called the "Chosen One" and how he walked through the mouth of the Sphinx to enter the ruins. I do wonder why the Sphinx had a black tear. Was that to capture Abdul's attention so he could enter the Sphinx? Or was it because of the fighting between the gods? Also, how would each god having their own temple be helping the humans? I was also confused when Abdul figured out the solution when he watched the gods quarrel but yet he had to pray later and arrived at the same solution? Anyway, great story! Looking forward to see what else happens with the pyramids!
Hi Rohan, Very fun topic and theme. The aesthetic of your site is also very nice. I love the idea behind your story, but it just needs a little more detail. As someone before me commented, you may need to add to or explain the "chosen one" comment. Or you could return to it later...something like, we knew the great foretold chosen one would show us the way. Or something. Otherwise, I feel like there are a lot of unanswered questions. First, Why could he "not help but jump in" to the mouth of a great sphinx that no one else can see? That seems a peculiar move that could benefit from explanation. Also the paragraph where the palace is described needs a little more. There is no mention of the gods being there until the end. It's a little confusing. But this is a really fun idea and a great story. Good luck!
Hey Rohan!I wanted to start by saying that you have a really awesome idea for your project. I love all things conspiracy theory so once I saw your title I clicked. I think your site has a good aesthetic overall. It feels nice and dusty and fits what you're talking about. I think your introduction gets you off to a great start. It is a great jumping off point for your story. It feels like an introduction to one of those conspiracy shows you would see on the History Channel. Your intro really feels like something out of a book or a movie. It serves as a great way of sort of telling the reader to "come with me."I think you need to capture that same energy in the following parts of your story. I think there are things you bring up like "the chosen one" that need to be fleshed out more.
Hi Rohan! I really enjoyed reading part 1 of your story so I had to come to see what was in store for Part 2. Firstly, I am kind of confused about the continuation from story 1 to story 2, regarding the character's name. Is it Abdul or Abrax? I see mentions to both names and I am confused on whether they are the same person or if you are referring to someone else. This may also be a comprehension issue on my part, but I wanted to bring up a concern I had while reading the story. Overall, part 2 is pretty exciting and I see how you are inspired by the Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan. I too enjoyed those books as Egyptian mythology has so many fascinating stories to tell. I am curious to why you made the character pray for 17 nights? Is this a number significant to Egyptian culture?
Hi Rohan! I like your site and love the idea of your storybook project. Based on the description in your intro, I was expecting a different conspiracy theory for each story, but I like how you did it. You might clarify or reword your intro a little bit just to keep consistency with your work. It would seem that your character Abrax changes names in the middle of the story to Abdul, unless I missed something. I was especially confused because the name changed back to Abrax in the second story. Also, in the first story, it isn't really clear that they were watching the gods argue. I thought that Thutmose was telling Abrax/Abdul the story of the gods arguing, but that it was just the two of them there in the chamber. It didn't become clear until Set faced him through the portal that the gods were actually there with them on the other side of the portal. I'm excited to see the conclusion and get some aliens involved! - Cate Howell
Hello Rohan!I really enjoyed the theme of your storybook. I have always been very intrigued with the pyramids and Egyptian culture. I think if you added a little bit of more detail into your introduction then it would help your readers better understand what your following stories are really about. Your author's notes supply a good deal of information about the reference stories and from where you are pulling ideas. I think if you just added a little bit more of information about the original stories then it would add more insight into your stories. I also think if you went back and re-read your stories you would find some spots to fix some minor detail flaws. By adding more detail in your writing I think you will see that it makes your story very clear and easily understood. Overall, I think you have a great and creative idea for a story book and I am extremely excited to see where it goes. -Sam
Hi Rohan, I have been reading your storybook throughout the semester, so I was excited to see how the story concluded. I really enjoyed the last story of Abrax and how the Great Pyramids came to be. If I were to add anything, I would suggest adding more details about the battle between the gods. For example, how exactly did Osiris provide protection from Set? I even think the battle between Abrax and Set could have more detail. This seems to be a very exciting part of the story, so more detail would only add to the effect. Additionally, the author's note are good but could be elaborated more. I feel like more details on the stories you got your inspiration would be helpful for the reader. I would love to get the actual details about the relationship between the gods as told by the original stories. Overall, a great story!
Hi Rohan!I really enjoyed seeing your project come together. Loved the ending. I think introducing Set into the story was a great decision. It was a twist I did not see coming. I think most good stories involve at least some trickery or deception. You did a great job at setting your twist up so that the reader (or at least me) had no idea it was coming even though you set up some foreshadowing with Osiris not being able to go into Kamazu's workshop.I agree that you made an interesting and coherent story. I think myths and folklore about origins are some of the most fascinating stories. The pyramids are interesting because they are such amazing feats that were done way before modern technology. They are mysterious and raise a lot of questions. I think you did a great, fun job of explaining just how the pyramids came to be.