When she got in, she did all the things she needed to, and she had done this many times before. She checked for laser sensors, she scanned for heat signatures, and she fixed her hair. There was a routine she followed every time, and so far she had never failed. The agency gave her word that she was clear to go. She had complete confidence that she would be successful, and it's possible that she got cocky. Because when she reached for the crystal, it seemed that every alarm in the world went off.
WAA-WAA-WAA
She didn't know how this happened, as she had been thorough, but she had no time to think. This had not gone as planned, and she had to somehow get out. As she turned the corned, diamond in hand, 15 guards burst through the doors. She had always worked peacefully, but she feared that this was different. She took a deep breath, and began to work her way through the men, one by one, until the floor was littered with bodies. As she looked back, a single tear fell from her left eye, but she wiped it away as soon as it fell. This was not a job for the weak, and she had completed the mission. And since that day, diamonds have always been guarded by machine at all times, to prevent fate from repeating itself.
Author's Note: This story is based on the story of the Rabbit and the Flint Bear from the Inuit unit. I really enjoyed the story, and I thought it was a very creative way of telling the story. I changed the Rabbit to a jewel thief, because I thought it would make an interesting dynamic, and I think it worked out well. The Rabbit never had malicious intentions to the bear, but he ended up having to kill many bears. This was the same thing that happened in my story.
Story source: Myths and Legends of the Sioux by Marie McLaughlin (1916).
Hey Rohan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story. The way you described the robbery and the agent's feelings about the situation was very vivid. One standout sentence was "the feeling that you got right before you were about to do something outrageous was unparalleled, and she knew that she'd gotten this one just right." This really drew me into the character and was exciting. I also did the Inuit unit, and I think it's awesome how you turned that story into this one!
Hello Rohan,
ReplyDeleteI love how this one started. Right into the thick of things. I would love to hear more about the character though. What is her name? How long has she been doing heists? I like that she has a routine and maybe when you mention that she fixes her hair it could be more specific like she tied her hair back. The more detail the more the reader can place themselves in the story. When you talk about her fighting with the men maybe you could give more detail of the fighting. Fighting scenes are always fun to describe. You mention that she wiped away a tear, "as soon as it fell." Here you could say, "before it fell." I love this high energy story and you really made it your own from the original. Good job!
Rohan,
ReplyDeleteYou are a fantastic writer. I like that you started strong from the beginning - it made me immediately engaged! When you put the part about the alarm in there as well it was if I could actually hear it which I thought was so creative. I could not stop reading and think you have a style of writing that keeps people engaged and wanting more. AWESOME story!
Hi Rohan!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really interesting read, and a really unexpected take on the original story. I did wish that, in your author's note, you would have given a bit more background on the original story because, as I haven't read it, I didn't get a full sense of how this related to it, and I would have been really interested to know more about the original story so I could fully appreciate the changes you made. Otherwise, though, good job!